More Than a Feeling

The emptiness inside me grows with each day that I do not write a blog post for The Salty Dog. I think about it almost every day and I desire to be able to write something amazing because my life has been so inexplicably fresh, interesting and exciting the last couple of months. But, all I can see is the Pavones state of mind slowly dissolving back to the source as my frustration amplifies. I was losing the feeling. But, thanks to a little visit from Indira’s DVD, Spirit Within Movement, I now know it’s more than just that.

For the first few months after the training it was all so simple. Chanting almost daily, practicing yoga as much as possible, meditating, communicating with fellow PYC classmates, going to the beach to dance, eating soaked oats, and writing for The Salty Dog. I could almost convince myself that I was still there and the experience had never ended. My maintenance and application of learned skills was high, but, with the growing distance and vanishing of time it became harder to put myself in that space. I sunk through the illuminating PYC bubble that I had created, lost touch with friends, devoted more energy to finding jobs and gained one big fat writers block.

I’d loaned the DVD to my Mom months earlier and it was returned to me upon my arrival back in Massachusetts for my sister’s wedding in June. I couldn’t wait to do yoga with Indira! Seeing the landscape, experiencing her voice and style of teaching, smiling as Dende slumbers on the bed during my practice, I close my eyes and I can feel the breeze masquerade through the open walls of the studio, I can smell the ocean. The wisdom trickles back in, and so the process of physical, emotional and spiritual remembering begins. What was my participation in Pavones that allowed me to attain such a high states of joy, peace, knowing, trust and love? And, how can I reintegrate these things into my life now?

The identification process continued during the weeks following the Spirit Within Movement catalyst: Chanting, dancing, yoga, meditation, contemplation, tarot, great conversation with inspiring people, fresh, healthy food and just last week, one often overlooked yet obvious answer presented itself to me: Swimming. I swam every single day in Pavones.

I competed at such a high level for so long that I’d acquired some kind of hidden aversion to the idea of swimming laps, refusing to acknowledge the powerful effect the act has on my ability to be joyous and clear-headed. Now, as I implement project “More Than a Feeling” (referred to here on out as MTAF) to return to my Pavones State of Mind I can barely contain my fervor as I thirst to glide down a 50 meter pool, tuck effortlessly into a flip turn and launch myself off the wall at the other end. Oh, what a feeling!

Add chanting, a dash of singing, progression to a vegan diet, and a pinch of tarot reading to the mix and I’m feeling better and better. Responding to my psychic calls of distress, I began hearing from members of my Pavones family. Project MTAF is evolving naturally! I had the sense that many of us were sharing the same burden of loss that I was experiencing and it’s time to extend our tentacles to reinforce and strengthen our web of support.

I am no longer depriving myself of the things that make me happy and all I needed was a loving little reminder. Thank you Indira, thank you to my friends who have reached out, thank you to the Universe for leading me along this beautiful trail of chaos to emerge with a new sense of clarity and focus. I am stronger now. The Pavones State of Mind is so much More Than a Feeling, it’s Spirit Within Movement. It’s action. It’s faith.


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